Vlorbik's Diner

son of owen's cooking show

cooking is a better fate than grading

Posted by vlorbik on August 31, 2013

one day not long ago, madeline
brought us home some crazy little
digest-size slick-paper-magaziney
*recipe book* kinda thing about
“101 ways to use ramen noodles”.
(kinda thing… i don’t vouch for the
actual *number or anything; naturally
after flipping through and looking at
the photos, i ignored it… i don’t read
recipes by m.f.k. *fisher* or julia *child*,
so why would i study *this* silly stuff?).

vlorbik’s “revenge” salad

take two packs of convenience-store ramen.
chicken flavor, more or less or course.
break ’em… still in the package…
twice (once the long way; once
the other way). the noodles are
already sort of “folded over” before
we get started, so there are now,
ideally, eight “chunks” (if you will)
of hard ramen.

go ahead and bust the pack open…
carefully… there’ll be some busted-
-up little pieces at the bottom
of the bag. dump the contents
into the biggest glass bowl (or
the next biggest). fish out the
“flavor” packets and set ’em aside.

no, wait. go ahead and bust these open too
(they’re well designed, so this is easy;
you don’t even need your teeth [just fingers]).
pour out all the artificial-flavor-and-color
powder into the [lidded] coffeecup-sized
plastic container on the nearby shelf
longsince put aside for this purpose
(and already partly filled with the former
contents of earlier such [shiny,
sort-of metallic] product-packets;
one can, and i probably soon will…
maybe when i’m rearranging dishes
in a few minutes… make an utterly-
-bogus office-vending-machine version
of “chicken broth” by dumping
just over, let’s say, half a packet or so
into a fresh-from-the-microwave cup
of hot[tish… 1:55 or so; 2:22 for a bigger
cup] water). junk food, yum.
where’s that computer? no.
wait.

okay. back to the ramen noodles.
no, wait a second! go back into the past
and start up some *bacon*, for heck sake.
get that ol’ cast-iron skillet good and
*greased up*. you know what?
let’s get some *butter* going over here
in the long-handle *steel* pan while
we’re at it. now.

cover up the noodles with water from
the tap and jam ’em into the nuke.
not for too long! we only want ’em
*part* of the way soft. 1:11 maybe.

if you’ve got any carrots or celery
or anything like that, this is good time
to chop ’em up and start ’em in the butter.
failing that, just use the mixed-veggies
in the freezer. heck… i’ve never actually
*done* it this way, but a couple days
ago madeline harvested a good healthy
half-the-size-of-your-fist *green pepper*,
and peppers are *real good* when
thrown into a highish-heat pan of butter
(for maybe at most about a minute
on each side). homegrown is the way
it should be.

meanwhile, the noodles are (partly) done
so drain ’em and toss ’em into the bacon fat.
add the veggies. turn it all down to low-and-slow
and put a lid on it. get serious with those
dishes for a while. never mind that pseudo-
chicken. nuke a cup of water for instant coffee.

wow. half-and-half. good ol’ madeline.
stir the pan from time to time. do some more dishes.

dry the big glass bowl… you’ve just washed it, as you’ll
recall… and dump in the goodies. slather it with store-
-boughten italian dressing and put it the fridge.

no, no, no. edit the fattiest bits out of the bacon…
and for pity sake, don’t eat *all* of whatever fatty
parts you edit out. tear up the meaty parts into
quarter-inch squares or so and put ’em in the salad.
*now* put it in the fridge.

best served cold.

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