Vlorbik's Diner

son of owen's cooking show

vlorbik’s scramble-fried eggs

Posted by vlorbik on January 9, 2013

slab of bacon fat
three eggs
shot of milk
hunk of cheddar cheese
red onion
ground red pepper
garlic powder
ground thyme

grab one of the new steel pans
from its nail beside the stove
and start heating it up to the
“third” setting. bust up the
bacon fat into its constituent
slice-fractions and put it in
to render.

break the eggs into one of the
gorgeous glass mixing-and-serving
bowls. the little one, indeed,
if it’s not already in use or
in the waiting-for-washing area.

if it should then occur, as it
might, that one of the eggbreakings
reveals a never-before-encountered
tendency for the hard *outer* shell
of the egg to separate from the
more flexible—even *skinlike*—
inner shell beneath while the
meat of the egg quivers around
*inside* the whole contraption,
well, then *go* with it. see
how much of the hard stuff you
can get off away from the membrane-
-thingy without busting everything
wide open. no, wait. time to check
on the bacon. go ahead and pierce
through the darn thing and get the
white-and-yolk in the bowl; set the
shell aside for later inspection.

stir up the pigfat. okay, that’s about
enough… and the edges are getting burny.
knock the chunks out; the pan’s ready.
turn it up to “second”.

chop up the onion… about enough to cover
the palm of your hand… and drop it
into the eggs. pour in the shot of milk.
stir vigorously with a fork.

pour the whole mess into the pan.
if all has gone well, the bottom part
will fry itself to a fairly hard state
that can be manipulated easily with
the steel turning-tool.

grate up a bunch of the cheese and lay it
on top of one half. try and fail to fold
the other half over onto this half
in omelette-like fashion. curse mildly
and mix the whole thing up into a mishmosh.
turn it back down to third.

look up at the cabinet area immediately
above the cutting-stuff-up counter just
to the side of the stove… the “spice
rack”, in other words… and grab some
stuff that looks like it might be appealing.
on another day, it’ll’ve been the “greek
seasoning” premix or even good old-fashioned
salt-and-p, but in this case it turns out to
be the pepper-garlic-thyme thing. season
to taste. stir it up some more; set it down
to “warm”.

okay. it’s no omelette, but it’s looking
pretty good. try some, right out of the pan.
yep. holy moley! drop toast! what’s *wrong*
with you? turn off the burner but leave the
pan on; its long handle is still cool and
it’s better than any plate for eating from.

serves one. tastes great.
(madeline believes eggs are ingredients
not entrees. so i made her a breakfast
sandwich an hour ago or so:
toasted sandwich rounds (2)
cream cheese
tomato slice
lettuce leaf
slather the c.c. onto the bottom slice;
lay the tomato & lettuce on top;
put the top slice on and crunch it down
slightly; slice off a small piece and eat it
[“quality control”]; serve.)

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4 Responses to “vlorbik’s scramble-fried eggs”

  1. Madeline said

    Keep on Cooking!!
    Madeline

  2. vlorbik said


    the spice-rack shot.
    from wayback. search “daadd”.

  3. Anonymous said

    The Ten Page News- ah memories! It was fun writing for it. Remember Pith and Popcorn? OMG.
    Shauna

  4. vlorbik said

    “pith and popcorn” was a very popular feature.

    educational too. i’d’ve never recognized j.t. walsh
    (for example) as the great late-XX-century player
    that he was without celli lloyd’s pithy comments.
    (gotta love that “sling blade” role, though.)

    remember “frances biscotti”… celli’s “fellow
    harvey keitel love-slave wannabe”?
    and her amazing paper-is-our-medium
    centerfolds in _spaghetti_?

    all knowledge is found in fanzines.
    i miss the scene several times weekly.
    don’t get me wrong… i’m history’s
    happiest human as far as i can tell…
    but i’d go to the P.O. six days a week
    (sic transit glorious monday) back then
    and, like as not, get some amazing
    stuff on *any* day… just for paying attention.

    sure and one can get *something*
    of the same effect on the net. indeed,
    nobody knows better than you
    (shauna) how quick i was to ignore
    all other responsibilities in the early
    days of the world-wide-web (there
    was a connection at the college
    and so i spent *almost every available
    moment* there… kits and cats
    and wives and lives…. how many
    were going to saint ives?).

    “zine world” has folded, alas.
    i don’t know if you saw the news.
    (my $100 lifetime subscription was
    well-rewarded.) the scene goes on
    of course… plenty of the SF folks
    predating the whole photocopy
    revolution are still at it of course.
    for example.

    and xerox is still cheap i guess.
    and the US post office hasn’t *entirely*
    abdicated its responsibilities.

    meanwhile, i’ve got a pretty substantial fraction
    of my library about me for the first time in years.
    i move around with micro-zines in my hip pocket
    and visit ’em on anybody willing to endure
    the accompanying math mini-lectures.

    and i am content that i have done right.

    hoping you are the same. love always.

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